simple talk in a velvet town.

isaiah 49:16

2012-02-04T23:58:00.000-06:00

"we're more than just the blood of what we've done."

im the very worst.

2012-01-31T18:10:00.000-06:00

so many things have been going through my mind lately; not consuming my thoughts, necessarily, but passing through...sticking here...wandering there...finding their way among my experiences...trying to form some sort of logical path in working themselves out.

here is where i am grateful, though: christ sanctifies the church. he takes our experiences, our thoughts, the hurts, joys, confusion, & sin...and uses them to make us more like himself. he changes us in spite of us.

in that grace, he is changing my heart.

see, although i have been rejected, hurt, & discarded at times by others, i am seeing that i am no different.

how can i maintain bitterness at someone choosing another over me...when i myself choose others over christ time & again?

how can an outstanding grudge remain intact against someone for running toward their idols while turning their back toward me....when i constantly run toward comfort, control, & acceptance and turn my back on christ?

how can i withhold forgiveness from someone who hurts me in an effort of self-protection...when i covet and protect my own wants & desires, telling christ, "what you want from me is too risky. im not comfortable with the unknown and im not sure that much trust resides in my being. i think i'll just go my own way before this all gets too complicated."

i am the things i hate. i am no different. i am the very worst.

but my hope rests in this: i am clothed in the one who is sufficient.

"here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: christ jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." ---1 timothy 1:15

wrestling & regret

2012-01-15T00:11:00.000-06:00

lately, studying has been consuming my life.
thus, ive spent several hours of almost every day for the past 2 weeks at panera.
being within ear-shot of such a variety of people has helped me maintain sanity, i believe; i allow small breaks when awkward first dates are happening or young children are elaborating on silly stories. its the best.

a few days ago, my attention was drawn to two young brothers, both clad in brightly coloured swim trunks covered with the faces of professional wrestlers. i giggled from the corner, and relished in the fact that each of us, as children, experienced a time in life when we didnt care what anyone thought of us.

what really caught my attention, though, was the saying on the side of the swim trunks. right next to a grimacing, tanned man with veins popping out of his neck, i saw the phrase, "regret nothing."

hm.
how is it that the biggest messages come in the simplest forms?

see, i think we often confuse the ideas associated with regret. sometimes, we get consumed with pride, screaming that we regret nothing....that everything happens for a reason & we wouldnt change a thing; and other times, we claim that our lives are filled with regret. if we could only go back and make a different decision, our hearts would not look so worn. we would not be covered in scars & terrified of the hurt that others seem to heap upon us. we hit the extremes, but never pause to look at the root.

for those of us living in regret, what we are ultimately doing is living in shame...distrust...guilt. the regret becomes all-consuming and without noticing, it has defined us. and while dwelling in what once was, we have pushed christ aside, claiming (sometimes unconsciously or unknowingly) that our sins, decisions, & hurts are too terrible to be handled; we take them upon ourselves & with our actions, we tell god that he is no longer sovereign. we are hindering the gospel in our lives & in the lives of those around us.

yet, when we "regret nothing", we tend to view ourselves as god. we made our decisions; we handled the outcomes; we withstood the test; we will continue to guide our own paths. most often, this seems to be a prideful claim that poses as a facade for all the guilt, shame, & grievances that we've buried. we refuse to be vulnerable. instead of acknowledging mistakes....instead of being real about the pain we're experiencing...instead of looking someone in the eye and saying, "this really hurts"...we internalize our thoughts & experiences, all the while keeping our chins up & our tears hidden.

the gospel leads us to an entirely different extreme.

instead of identifying ourselves in our regrets, christ tells us to identify ourselves in him.
instead of dwelling daily in our shame, christ calls us to repent & believe that the cross is sufficient.
instead of living in fear, christ calls us to trust that his story is better than ours.
instead of putting up a front, christ calls us to break down our walls in community.
instead of retreating because its safe, christ calls us to die to ourselves & our comforts.

stop regretting everything; stop regretting nothing.
believe that god is good & worthy of our trust.

a pirates life for me.

2011-09-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

ive found that all days are better when you are silly.

dieu est verite

2011-09-15T22:07:00.000-05:00

dieu est verite; god is truth.

life is worth living.

2011-08-03T16:49:00.002-05:00

lately ive noticed something:

all of my friends are moving.

yes, this happens when jobs, marriages, adult life come into play

but these arent just small moves; these are cross country moves.

a bit of me is jealous; but most of me is proud.

i am so blessed to have adventuresome friends...

...friends who choose experiences over comfort or material possessions....

some people love where they live, and i totally get that.

there is absolutely nothing wrong with being present where you are.

theres just something magical about starting fresh in a brand new city.

so this post is all about the people i love and the adventures theyre taking.

[i will try to go in some sort of geographical order...]

ALASKA

this is my sweet friend josie. she is insanely beautiful, and has a sense of humor that will make you giggle for hours & hours (one of the many reasons why i love her). she & her husband just moved to alaska, which is basically a dream come true for them. they have been posting breath-taking photos and im hoping at some point i will be able to visit. my friendship with josie was pretty new, so im super sad about them leaving so quickly. i know they have wonderful things in store way up north, though.

WASHINGTON

this is brandon! he didnt JUST move, but we just recently reconnected and i found out he had taken the leap from the midwest to the pacific northwest. we met at church camp in early highschool years, and he became an instant dear friend to me. his heart is so good & ive been very blessed in knowing him. plus, he keeps me cool. i mean, check out that tattoo sleeve...

also in washington is miss megan. she has been there for awhile, as well. megan & i met in the summer of 2007 at colorado. she moved out from california & i moved out from illinois. we both worked at the same mountain resort and went to the same church for those few months. we were inseparable, and i was surprised at how close our friendship became in such a short time period. since then, i flew out to california to see her, and she made a pit stop in st louis with her husband and sweet baby girl (who at the time was still in her belly!). im so thankful for that summer bringing about such a sweet friendship.

COLORADO

a lot of people i love live within the 4 borders of this state. most of you know i have spent ample time there, and in that time, ive built a family. this first photo is of my aunt who also happens to be one of my best friends. she always, ALWAYS makes me laugh and always loves me unconditionally. she is a foundation for me. the second photo is of dear amanda. she has such a servants heart & i always seem to learn valuable things through her words & actions. she is a friend who makes me a better person.

LOS ANGELES

the first photo is of my closest highschool friend (and honestly, just one of the closest friends in my whole life). she kept me grounded throughout my teenage years, and we both kept each other laughing. she is so incredibly intelligent and just a beautiful woman. i was the maid of honor in her wedding & felt so blessed to be standing next to her. she & her husband JUST moved to LA. when i think of people taking leaps of faith...when i think of risk-takers...when i think of adventure...i think of them. im so excited to see theyre journey happen.

the second picture is of my friend elisha. we have known each other since we were about 17; we've had so many conversations i cant even begin to count them all.....GOOD conversations....conversations that had me in fits of laughter....conversations that had me crying...conversations that made me happy, frustrated, contemplative. im so thankful for the way he challenges me & i him. its a beautiful balance.

PHOENIX

justin moved to phoenix just recently and he is already being SO missional about his move. we met in the summer of 2008 when we were church camp counselors at springhill. as long as ive known justin, ive been drawn to him. he has an incredible heart, a beautiful way with words, an evident love for christ, and an easy way of making you feel important. phoenix is lucky to have him.

CHICAGO

emily and i have been friends since highscool. what started as simply volleyball teammates turned into a wonderfully rich friendship that gave advice, love, understanding, & laughter. we have grown together and found our way from being teenagers to adults...side by side....understanding that its hard & that we need each other. she, her husband, & their son all moved to chicago because of her husbands job. she is starting pharmacy school in the city, and i am just gushing with pride for her. shes one of the strongest women i know.

miss danielle reed (who i like to call d-reed) moved to chicago for a freaking sweet job in forensic science. we became friends in college, and even though distance has happened, our friendship has gotten better & better. the longer i know her, the more i am blessed. the coolest thing about our friendship and the way we live out life together is seeing our brokenness compared to gods goodness. i feel like somehow, the two of us are constantly reminding each other of that. friendships that reflect christ are the absolute best.

MINNESOTA

brea is the best. she took an INCREDIBLY large leap of faith, packed up her bags, and moved to minnesota in pursuit of a Ph.D. holy cow, i have the coolest friends. she is full of fun & laughter & adventure & charisma & love. every phone conversation i have with her ends with the best feeling....a feeling of true friendship...comradery....grace. the neatest part? that has been there ever since we first became friends our freshman year of college. she is a rare treasure, for sure.

LOUISVILLE

this is the newest move of all!!! one of my dearest friends, jen, just got married last saturday!! she & her husband are currently on their honeymoon, but upon their return, they will be living in louisville, kentucky. jens friendship is one of the best things ive experienced. we were together non-stop all throughout college, then lived together for a year while we were both working toward a masters degree. she makes me laugh, she hugs me when all i have are tears, she challenges me, & she loves me so well. she is someone that i could not do without.

NASHVILLE

lindsey and i met during undergrad in the speech-pathology program. she is the sweetest southern belle you will ever come across. i honestly do not think ive ever encountered such a pure heart. after graduation, she got married & moved with her husband to nashville. he is pursuing music, she is pursuing a masters, and they are both pursuing christ. what a beautiful example of how marriage should truly look.

ATLANTA

this is also an EXTREMELY recent move....my other best friend from highschool, ashley, & her husband moved to hotlanta...err....atlanta. shes pursuing a masters in theology....incredible, right?! she has been an absolute constant in my life. then, after she got married, i realized she chose a great husband who has also become a really dear friend to me. the two of them together are an amazing thing...and i am constantly thankful for how real i can be with them. they do not want me to be a certain way, act a certain way, say a certain thing. even when things are bad, they take me as i am and love me as christ would. these are true friends.

there you have it. i officially know the coolest people in the world. people who love life, pursue christ, care about people, & take adventures. incredible. what adventures are you taking?

lavender lush.

2011-08-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

i am so into lavender lately.
the smell, the faded color, the size & shape.
its just perfect.

most recently, ive been inspired by a blog post by project wedding.

here are photos they posted about lavender:

to see the original blog post, go here.

what other ideas do you have for using lavender?

ANNOUNCEMENT!

2011-07-28T16:15:00.001-05:00

this is big news....
....like.....really, REALLY big news....
life-changing.....
unbelievable....
out-of-this world.....

I AM OFFICIALLY DONE AT THE SIUE CLINIC.

here is what that means:

- no more red clinic polo shirt

- no more mounds & mounds of documentation to fill out.

- no more spending every waking moment in the instructional materials center planning sessions, finding materials, writing SOAP notes, looking at permanent files.

- the start of actual externships at actual placement sites doing actual speech-language pathologist work.

- FREEDOM.

of course, i had to be awesome on my last day of sessions, so this was my solution:

HOORAY!!!!

...

2011-07-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

when you are someone who is extremely open...
someone who invests in relationships a lot from the get-go...
someone who trusts easily & always looks at the better side of people...
someone who believes words even when actions scream the opposite...
someone who gives 2nd, 3rd, & 4th chances because you REALLY think it is deserved...

when you are that person, its hard to train yourself to be anything else.
its also hard to distinguish between being an idealist and being naive.
maybe theyre the same thing; i dont know.

what i do know is that sometimes you have to

.step back.

.take a look at friendships & relationships from an outside perspective.

.and realize that no matter how much you care about someone,

sometimes you just have to let them go.

by grace we are being sanctified.

2011-07-13T09:12:00.001-05:00

one of the greatest things i want out of life is to truly love others more than myself, and have the outpouring of that love manifest in service. our selfish nature makes this a nearly unattainable task. i find myself saying and doing things because its what i want....because its what i feel....because i want a certain outcome or because i want someone to view me in a certain light. how self-centered. this is a humbling realization.

sick.

2011-07-11T10:29:00.001-05:00

i was sick all weekend and it was the pits.
im not used to it because usually my immune system is insanely good.
on top of being super sick, i had an entire research paper to write.
forcing yourself to do research & type up a paper is incredibly hard
when all you really want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep.
thankfully, my dear friend ashley had been over about a week earlier
and left me a little something in the fridge.
a bottle of woodchuck made sickness just a little bit less terrible.
the small things in life.....

psalm 13

2011-06-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

im just not me lately....at least, not as much as usual.
this summer has just been an exhausting, trying period of life.
though it isnt a long semester, i feel overwhelmed and tired almost all the time.
when im not at work, clinic, or class (either 8am-5pm or 8am-8pm depending on the day), im at home studying, writing a paper, planning a session, or editing photos. and when none of the above is taking place, i crash.
within the past 2 days i have been asked "tell me about your life! i wanna hear about you!" and "so, how are you??" i am left with nothing to say. i dont feel as though i have anything to tell. even if i did, i kinda feel a bit too drained to imagine wanting to embellish on my life.
several days i just find myself on the verge of tears...set off by nothing in particular...
i have never been more ready to not be a student. 18 years of enrollment is long enough...

one thing im so thankful for is the cd "to see the curse remove"; this is a cd put out by the journey that contains music written by worship leader jon yerby. while at the cd release, i listened to his description of this compilation of music....he said that we remember things better when they are put to music. thus, he wanted to write songs that directly quote scripture, and reflect the character of god (without all the fluff that typically goes in to christian music). he wanted to write songs that would get stuck in our heads, so that we would constantly be singing & preaching to ourselves who god is, the words he has spoken, and the way he views us.

that happened for me today. while feeling this heavy, downcast "thing", the first thought that popped into my head was the song "psalm 13" from that album, which is literally psalm 13 directly quoted and put to music. i thought "how long o lord, will you forget me forever?" but then, the passage ends in hope and reassurance. here is the entire passage for you to reflect on. if you are feeling defeated, i hope this helps & comforts you in the way that it has me:

¹ How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

^{² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts}

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

^{⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”}

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

^{⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,}

for he has been good to me.

much needed advice.

2011-06-24T11:32:00.000-05:00

Source: imgfave.com via Megan on Pinterest

[source]

farmers markets & friends.

2011-06-20T10:05:00.002-05:00

what a killer weekend. seriously.

community is absolutely just one of my favorite things in the world. i am blessed to be part of a church that recognizes, encourages, & facilitates this. they are my family. outside of my immediate family, im not sure if ive ever been a part of something so beautiful.

friday i experienced a perfect summer evening with some of the wonderful women of trailhead. the simplicity of sitting on a deck, drinking wine, eating homemade pizza & guacamole, & telling stories with some of your dearest friends is incredible. its just sharing life with each other, and its the best feeling.

saturday morning the above mentioned friends + several others met up at 222 artisan bakery for breakfast. talk about some of the best pastries & coffee in the st louis area....plus there was an adorable older man who was wearing a beret, speaking french, & carrying a french book. i was a bit enthralled with him.

after breakfast, we walked down to the local farmers market. i love being able to spend time outside with friends while simultaneously supporting local people & businesses. i bought a quart of peaches, a loaf of potato bread, and the most gorgeous bouquet of hydrangeas & lavender.

then we all went to township grocer, which is one of my favorite spots in edwardsville. once again, its just such a great way to support local business (plus they have the best baking & cooking products around!!) while we were there, we saw really cool button bouquets used as centerpieces for their tables. being the crafty girls that we are, we decided to spend the afternoon making them. here is the end result:

the rest of the night was spent with my sweet, sweet friend jillian <3. goodness, god has placed the most amazing people in my life. even though life is hard, his love prevails; it is so evident in jillian and in the friendship i have found in her. on a less sentimental note, im very thankful that jillian is a friend i can eat twizzlers, m&ms, and cheesy potato wedges with and feel no guilt :) its always just so great to let loose with someone you love.

sunday afternoon was spent at springers creek winery with my brother, my sister-in-law kara, and other wonderful friends. again, the blessings of community. the rest of the night was one of the craziest things ive ever experienced. i left for st louis to see shakespeare in the park [again] with my dear friend andrea and new friend laura. long story short, andrea went into labor. i, of course, have no knowledge of this aspect of life....all i could offer was excitement, prayer over her and with her, and safe delivery to her husband. with teary eyes, i hugged her, told her i loved her, and watched them drive off toward the hospital. then, the most wonderful thing....a new baby boy entered the world at 4:32 am. god is so good.

shakespeare

2011-06-17T12:18:00.000-05:00

have i mentioned how much i love st louis?

this has been a work in progress; i used to spend my thoughts on far off cities...extravagant adventures...convincing myself that if i only lived somewhere else, life would be more interesting.

friends!! this is such a lie. there is so much good right where you are. whether it be a small town, a suburb, or a bustling city, there is adventure and beauty all around. all you have to do is uncover it.

my latest st louis discovery came through my dear friend, matt. he invited me to see "shakespeare in the park". apparently, a group of professional performers spend 2 weeks putting on a shakespeare show for free in forest park. but the catch is that the set & characters are based in the 1950s.....

first of all, before even making my way to the show, i stepped out of my car and was reminded of how much i love forest park in the summer. people reading on blankets, kids playing in the fountains, music coming from some distant location, laughter, paddle boats, slack-lining, & picnics....i am absolutely in love. here is a photo of the world pavillion.....the play was right across the road from this....

the play was to die for. it was shakespeares "taming of the shrew". the actors were unbelievably funny, and one of them looked (and acted) EXACTLY like jimmy fallon. i was completely, 100% entertained & content. the show is running through this sunday, and i would give my recommendation to anyone. its such a feeling of community and culture; i feel cheesy saying it, but you just feel like part of something special by being there experiencing it with a group of strangers. youre all connected, if just for one evening, and its an incredible thing.

what treasures have you all been uncovering in your areas?

birds eye view.

2011-06-03T14:29:00.000-05:00

while cleaning out tons of papers & junk from an old professors filing cabinets, i came across a few treasures.

i feel like this is a pretty great description of how i want life to be....relishing in the simple joys of life, like having the sun on your face...traveling the world....experiencing culture & life outside of what you know...constantly striving to gain more knowledge about the things you have yet to discover.

so glad for these little reminders that work provided today.

recap from the past month

2011-05-31T12:28:00.000-05:00

i havent posted in ages; sometimes life just gets full...
....full of trips & photoshoots & work & coffee dates & cookouts & school.
here are a few things that have been filling my time lately:

i took a 9 day trip to colorado!! most of you know this is the state that has most definitely captured my heart. the mountains, the crisp air, my family & friends, the church that i cherish so dearly...all play a role in my love for that area. here are a few photos from my recent adventures there...

this is josiah, my 4-year old cousin. while out there, i heard the BEST comeback ever....anytime you would scold him or get upset with him, he would scowl and say "but i just a guy!!!!" i think this mindset starts young & continues throughout the rest of every males life...

this is my favorite aunt [also my only aunt....but she'd still be my favorite even if i had others...] we really are best friends.

this was taken in utah!!! we made the 3 hour trek to moab and it was SO worth it. id never been before; it left me in awe of its beauty & culture.

and THIS was at the ritz carlton where my uncle is the general manager. he spoils us...

when i got home, i immediately did an engagement shoot for my dear friend megan. she and i were accountability partners in undergrad, so she has seen the best & worst of me. so happy for this love that she has found...

also...before i left for colorado actually...i did a fun photo shoot for my friends gabby & sarah. they both graduated college and wanted to do a senior picture-type session. here are a few of the shots:

then this past weekend, i photographed a wedding in my hometown. the colors were gorgeous, the bride was beautiful, and the ceremony/toasts revolved around a god-centered marriage. my heart was so happy. a few shots from that....

also while i was home, i reveled in the fact that i was home. other places have felt and still do feel like home to me, but theres something about my small town...this corner of the world where the sun falls perfectly behind wheat fields and the smell of honeysuckle saturates the air. its some sort of perfection. here is just a simple shot that i took with my phone while sitting on my parents deck:

life gets hectic & stressful & sometimes just plain hard to handle. challenges arise; your mind gets confused; you come to a point where you just wish someone could make the tough decision for you. youre afraid of making the wrong choice or just not making a choice at all. everyone throws their opinions toward you, some by request and others that are unwanted, leaving you even more unsure than when you began. ive been at that point. im a bit at that point now. but one thing i know and will continually preach to myself: god is sovereign even when i am lost. prayer to fall more deeply in love with christ will allows lead you back home. and so i pray...

g.love

2011-04-30T21:03:00.000-05:00

last night my friend alicia and i went to the g.love concert at the pageant.
i just recently became a fan of his, so im only familiar with his most recent album, which was produced by the avett brothers!! heres a brief preview of the album's awesomeness:

so in love with these songs....
but, we also got a little view of his past musical endeavors...
not as much our element, but we definitely enjoyed the experience.
we began keeping a list of song themes.
here is the result:
3 songs about weed.
2 songs about basketball.
1 song about cold beverages.
1 song about booty calls.

it was an interesting night :)

to whom it may concern

2011-04-28T13:27:00.000-05:00

today im listening to this song and feeling like a silly girl. they express it so beautifully & poetically.

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do

Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do
I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh I missed you
I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to

Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently.

beautiful weekends.

2011-04-25T19:33:00.000-05:00

weeks are sometimes pretty killer. i especially feel that way this week, which happens to be the last week of clinic and the week before finals. i think all the speech pathology professors are conspiring to steal our souls....or so it feels.

THATS WHAT MAKES WEEKENDS SO WONDERFUL. even though there is homework, a term paper, a lesson to plan, or whatever it may....theres a BIT of freedom....the slightest taste. this weekend, i got to see the civil wars. i honestly do not think two voices have ever sounded better together. their voices sounded as good as their recordings (which is always such a great thing to experience). added bonuses: joy williams is super smiley and silly and cool. john paul has a wonderful, dry sense of humor that plays perfectly off of joy's. in conclusion, theyre the perfect duo. if you ever get the chance to see them play, most definitely go and revel in their awesomeness. here are a few favorite shots from the show:

such an incredible saturday night.

on sunday, i scored some free cardinals tickets. one of my closest friends just moved here from colorado for graduate school this year, so she had never been to busch stadium. we spent ALL day working on a term paper, and decided that would be our reward!

all in all, ridiculously good weekend. new goal: try to not die under the pressure of a million projects within the next week.

The Civil Wars

2011-04-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

SO EXCITED TO SEE THEM AT THE OLD ROCKHOUSE TONIGHT <3

expression through fashion

2011-04-21T18:08:00.003-05:00

most days, i am forced to wear an ugly red polo shirt and dress pants (although i currently get away with wearing dark wash jeggings instead...shhh....). the supervisors and professors have deemed this our "clinic attire". yuck. i think i will be burning that silly shirt at the end of the summer.

anyway, on days that i do not have to look like a fashion disaster, i choose to mix & match tshirts, cardigans, big owl necklaces, nerd glasses, sock hats, scarves, etc. it feels so good to be girly or even just to express your style a bit.

yesterday, some would have called my look "hipster". i call it "wearing what i want and enjoying it". who needs labels?!

hello nerd glasses & vintage illini sweatshirt that i got from my father.

be you. youre lovely.

"i dont think i'll be around..."

2011-04-21T00:13:00.000-05:00

i can relate to this song a bit more than id like to.

i prefer life when its bizarre.

2011-04-19T23:39:00.004-05:00

sometimes life can become extremely monotonous & mundane.
that, friends, is why i am so thankful for my "table partner".
graduate school, as you can imagine, has FULL potential for the previously stated viewpoints...but each person sits at a table with one other person in every class. we dont HAVE to sit by the same person, but we all do...a room full of speech-language pathology students is a room full of type A personalities, so its understandable.

here is a photo from last summer of myself & amber, my "table partner":

shes wonderful, and honestly, im so incredibly grateful to have someone in my life who makes me laugh on a daily basis. what a blessing, ya know? while telling stories about her tonight, i decided that i should probably fill everyone in. you deserve a good laugh, too.

thus, here is a list of all the things ive caught her doing during class, the conversations we've had, & the mischief that she brings about:

---making a timeline of her life (the only events being births, deaths, & graduations)
---drawing a self portrait
---writing out all the lyrics to antoine dodson's bed intruder song
---writing a list of bridesmaids (she is not engaged)
---writing a thank you note for a picture frame...that she didnt actually receive. she said she was just practicing writing it in case she DID get one someday...
---making an origami fortune teller
---making an ultimate 90's playlist
---writing the names of everyone she knows
---making a key-coded list of our entire class (the key included symbols indicating people who were married, engaged, dating, single, divorced, or who had children)
---writing (from memory) a poem she wrote in middle school titled, "ode to lipgloss"

---conversations during class---
---amber: "have you ever put cucumbers on your eyes?"
me: "no"
amber: "me either"
::end of conversation::

---mischief---
after doing a presentation on oral sensory awareness treatment, amber had 5 bottles of war head spray candy. now, at least once per class period, i hear her quickly whisper, "okay, teachers not looking...3 sprays". because i am easily influenced, i open my mouth and let her spray it. thennnnn i will often look over at random times during class and see her spraying two bottles simultaneously into her own mouth.

then, of course, there are the constant games of MASH, dots, and seeing who can name all 50 states. oh, and throw in a recent competition of who could name the most states where they had someone close enough they could visit & stay with.

surround yourself with bizarre, innovative, unique friends. life is so much better.

nella's story

2011-04-18T14:36:00.003-05:00

for those of you who dont know, i am currently about to finish up my first year of graduate school for speech-language pathology. its an incredible field which i have grown to love, but there were times when i questioned what i was doing. would i lose my creativity? would i be able to make a difference? would i be capable of retaining and applying such vast amounts of knowledge? is this whats right for me?

but sometimes we are most reassured by the experiences and viewpoints of others.

last summer was when i began my graduate program, thus it was also when my fears and doubts began driving my thoughts. i was quite literally living in that fear. then, i came across the most beautiful, eloquent, hopeful, encouraging story i had ever heard. it was narrated by a mother whose pregnancy did not turn out as she'd planned. i dont want to give away too much detail, because lord knows i would not do it justice. all i can say is that after reading about these lives, i sat there crying, and instead of being driven by fear, i was driven by the thought, "i get to be a part of these incredible stories. though the world says your child is different, i get to continually reinforce that she is beautiful and unique and loved."

please, please read nella's story, which i found on donald miller's blog.
please, please be encouraged to hear that, though you may not know the path you are on...though you might be scared, confused, uncertain, or disappointed...god is sovereign and knows your heart better than you could begin to.

"please dont keep me after all..."

2011-04-15T00:25:00.003-05:00

one of my favorite feelings is remembering something i loved.
...it might be something that i used to do, a specific trip, a period from my life....
maybe its because im a sentimental sap.
i know it and readily admit to it.
i also know that i hold onto memories very tightly.
i record them, revisit them, treasure them.

tonight i went back to the piano rooms that used to be my source of calm.
in undergrad, i would go to the quad late at night, when no one was around, and stare at the stars...listen to my favorite songs...think through my life and try to organize all the dreams, hurts, and possibilities that were filling my head.
i would eventually find my way to the basement of the music building and choose which grand piano would be the one to help me escape that night.
no one was around. the lights were off. i was unknown. and i liked that.
i would pound the keys and scream the lyrics, finding comfort in the crack of my voice.
part of me wanted to share that tonight...to show someone my small secret corner of the world. but i found myself alone, and i was okay with that.
sometimes solitude is the most necessary solution.

shame

2011-04-08T23:30:00.002-05:00

our church (trailhead) is currently going through the book of hebrews.
last week was such a convicting sermon...but also just extremely hopeful.
steve preached on hebrews 4:12-5:10.
to begin, it addressed how the word is made to dismember us
..."sharper than any double-edged sword"...
okay, not literal dismemberment...but it definitely cuts to our thoughts & intentions.
and by doing so, it calls us out.
but the good news: jesus calls us out IN our shame in order to call us out OF our shame.
what does that look like?
well, this text calls us "creatures". there is no pretense or fronting...
...we are exposed and vulnerable in front of god...
yet, though we are shameful creatures, we are called to the throne of grace.
contradiction: throne represents judgment, yet grace represents undeserved favor.
so, because of christ, this contradiction exists. we are called to judgment, yet experience grace.
thus, it all boils down to christ...the great high priest, as this text refers to him.
even his exposure of truth and shame is an act of grace, because he is inviting us to be cleansed and given new identity in him.
but thats intimidating, right?
revealing all your shame to the great high priest.
but christ sympathizes with our weakness.
he knows temptation better than we could ever begin to know it, because he was tempted, yet did not give in. we only know a certain extent of what that looks like, because, more often than not, we submit to what we want instead of what is good.
and my favorite quote from the whole sermon focuses on this fact...that christ sympathizes with us, so that we do not need to feel embarrassed to come to his throne with our shame...
"he doesnt look at us and say 'you again?!' he looks at us and says "I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE! IVE BEEN THERE!"

so friends, do not hide in your shame. do not submit to what is easiest, because in the end, the burden will build until you can no longer move. christ has called you to new life; you are a new creation in him. so we take our shame, and offer it to our great high priest, knowing we are fully loved and accepted.

flip-flop birthday

2011-04-04T09:27:00.006-05:00

my niece is the girliest-girl ive ever encountered. seriously.
she just turned 3 yesterday, and already she notices EVERYTHING that entails shoes, clothes, nail polish, & jewelry. in fact, i used to wear this ring with a turquoise stone all the time....but stopped wearing it for a few months. the last time i was over she ran up to me, gave me a hug, then grabbed my hand and asks, "where is your blue ring?!" one of her requests for yesterday was, "i want aunt jordy to come....and i want her to wear her blue ring." so, of course, i did.

her girliness was so evident throughout the party. she asked my sister for a "flip-flop" cake. then, when presents came around, everyone got her the CUTEST dresses, swimsuits, bows...and flip-flops. by looking at her face when she unwrapped those pink summer shoes, you would think she was just told she was going to disneyworld. her other obsession: lipgloss. she got 4 tubes of it last night and she just kept putting it on, saying, "im going to change colors!", then wiping it off for the next kind. oh my word. i just love her.whenever my sister told me 3 years ago that she was adopting a little girl from ethiopia, i sobbed. adoption is something that is so close to my heart, and i could not wait to meet the newest member of our family. i cried even more when i was told that they were keeping her ethiopian name, but choosing my name as her middle name...not just because they liked it, but because they wanted to name her after me. from the moment she was in our arms, i knew kebor was meant to be with us. i cant explain the beautiful connection & abounding love that she & i share. happy birthday to my favorite little girl.

side note: favorite quote from last nights shin-dig...
"kebor, if you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?" --sister
"costco?" --kebor

friends & stag

2011-04-02T10:19:00.005-05:00

i dont go out that much with friends anymore....if anything, we meet up for coffee, food, or a movie. but last night i got to have SO much fun with all the girls in my program. this was the best because typically, we only see each other at school....in ugly red clinic polos...toting around "candy land" and a deck of sequencing cards. even if we DO see each other outside of school, we usually end up talking about different things we're working on with clients or the test thats coming up.

last night we had our annual "loves banquet". we have silent auctions, 50/50 drawings, and trivia...all to raise money for a selected organization. this year it was for stuttering foundation of america. check it: http://www.stutteringhelp.org/

then we all went to stagger inn.
this is hands down my favorite tavern. it has that laid-back, dimly-lit, "hey-i-recognize-you!" type of feel. so, about 20 of us and several significant others go in, grab some drinks, talk, laugh, dance, and listen to good music. phenomenal. we ended up at a few different places, and honestly just enjoyed each others company.

life is so much better when its shared with people. its one of my favorite feelings.

on a side note, my sweet sweet friend jillian pye is on the road with her incredible musician husband, owen pye, and their precious son, cash. (http://owenpye.com/)
jillians birthday is april 7th and she is holding a super fun birthday giveaway on her blog!
http://jillianisinlove.blogspot.com/2011/03/birthday-party-blog-style.html
check it out! and if nothing else, tell her happy birthday!!!
im so ready for her to be home, but i am SO proud of what they are doing. i cant say i know tons of people who do what they are passionate about, but jillian & owen most definitely are. theyre wonderful.

perspective.

2011-03-31T17:23:00.002-05:00

sometimes we just need to gain perspective. life seems hard...and not to minimize what we go through (because each person endures terrible hardships all their own), but there are tragedies around the world that we do not even have the slightest understanding of. check out this link...it has 4 different ads in a series called "the lottery of life". look at them; pray about them; research how you can help. the world is a heavy load to take on, but all we can control is what we do to produce change.

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/powerful-ads-lottery-of-life-4

opening day!!!

2011-03-31T09:16:00.004-05:00

i was raised on baseball. its always kind of been my "thing" with my dad & brother.
they are both giants fans, but i am very much a cardinals fan.
my dad has a debate going with himself over this one:

part of him thinks he raised me right because of how much i LOVE the ballpark. i want to be there two hours before the game and be the last to leave. we always talk about how its just different there....its one of our favorite places in the world.

the other part of him thinks he raised me wrong because i didnt follow in his footsteps with my team choice. i guess in that regard, my brother is the good child :) its just hard to not love the cardinals when you grew up going to busch stadium. people in st louis are SUCH dedicated fans...and we've had our moments of being a pretty darn good team...

soooo HOORAY FOR OPENING DAY!!!! i wont be at a game until april 19th, so theres a bit of a wait, but not anything unbearable.

creativity, please.

2011-03-30T22:45:00.004-05:00

there are so many different seasons we go through. seasons of joy, trial, fun, responsibility, busy-ness. each one has a time & a purpose, but lately my life has been filled with reports, tests, clients, bills, cleaning, & applications.

this is my attempt to move away from that.
i want my creativity back.
who says i cant simultaneously experience seasons of joy AND responsibility?
here starts my outlet for all things good: conversations & thoughts about god, friends, family, inspiration, music, good food, love, & being happy exactly where i am.

so, for my first post back into the realm of creativity, here are some photos of decorating & creating that have been taking place.

kyle & bri II

2010-02-22T19:42:00.002-06:00

life is whimsical.

2010-02-10T15:18:00.003-06:00

so im mainly going to use this as a photography blog form this point forward, but occasionally i will be posting things that i find beautiful & inspiring. that being said, this is a video that my friend colin and all of his friends got together and made. colin recorded the song (originally done by arcade fire) and then they just let their imaginations run wild.

it makes me feel hopeful; full of joy; alive.
and it most definitely makes me want to frolick in the hills of australia right along side them.
enjoy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZsC1mxe_DI

kyle & bri

2010-02-07T12:09:00.008-06:00

yesterday i had the privilege of shooting kyle & bri's engagement session. this was especially cool because they have both been good friends of mine throughout college; we all endured the chilly weather together, then treated ourselves to some ice cream as a reward :) (okay, the ice cream/diner was actually part of the shoot too--but who says you can't work and have fun at the same time??) they were a completely fabulous couple to work with, and i think their personalities definitely show through these photos....

should be studying for tomorrows test....

2010-02-03T22:33:00.000-06:00

quick post update:

had my first interaction with my client today...shes 11 and has signs of autism...
she walks up to me, gets about a foot from my face, we introduce ourselves, and she hugs me.
my heart then proceeded to melt. this is gonna be a good semester.

my roommate and i are going to portland for spring break. officially. dont be surprised if i refuse to come back.

im taking engagement pictures this weekend with the whole old-fashioned diner feel...so excited.

and last, but certainly not least, hallelujah for best friends, and photos that describe your relationship perfectly:

friends, friends, friends

2010-01-29T08:36:00.000-06:00

i cannot believe three weeks of my final semester of my undergraduate career are already gone!! 13 more weeks left of college as ive known it...then onto bigger and better things (aka, actually working with clients!!!!)

on a completely, 100% different note: this weekend i get to spend time with so many lovely people!!! miss becca mead is coming down from chicago..annnd i havent seen her in several, several months. heres a couple pictures to show our sweet friendship :)

and then on sunday, my dearest, best friend since high school is coming to have coffee with me in the morning, hang out all day, head to church with me in the evening, then slumber party it up in my apartment. oh, hallelujah. im so excited....it will be our first slumber party since shes been married :) heres some of my favorite photos capturing our friendship:

and then, sunday night, ashley and i's good friend matt hawn is gonna come to church with us and hopefully hang out for a bit afterwards. these are all people that im SO lucky to have in my life, and that i havent seen in way too long; yay for an exciting weekend!!

whoa baby!

2010-01-27T15:35:00.000-06:00

i just got asked to do my first ever maternity shoot!! :) :)
im sooo excited! yay for new ideas and new challenges!

and on a side note---if any of you lovely people out there know of a fun, unique, or classy indoor spot around the edwardsville area where we could do the shoot, that would be fantastic! any ideas are appreciated!!!

...and in that was an example of a life lived.

2010-01-22T12:26:00.000-06:00

ive been sitting at work perusing http://www.weloveindie.com, and the more i see, the more i want to do. i want to explore talents and arts that i have never attempted, be exposed to new lands, try things that i am unsure of.

but really, my life has been a compilation of new activities and adventures. i am so grateful that, thus far, i have been where ive been and i have done what ive done.

i have traveled through europe within the streets of venice and verona; seen the leaning tower of pisa; have walked through the vatican in rome; ive seen the street artists in florence and been on top of the eiffel tower in paris. i have eaten at a bakery in monaco and put my feet in the mediterranean sea at the french riviera. i have spent the night in a small swiss town, listening to yodelers in the park.

i have worked in an orphanage in the mountains of jamaica and joined with a mexican family in juarez to construct a house. i have lived in the valleys of colorado and gone snow-shoeing through several feet of snow that its mountains accumulated. i have experienced the chaos of chicago and the calm of the atlantic ocean....smiled at the child-like essence of disneyworld and roadtripped down the pacific coast highway in california.

i have been parasailing and skiing, and have been an audience member in a live recording of the price is right. i played years of softball and basketball....and devoted so much time to volleyball. i spent two years coaching 6th grade volleyball and a summer as a high school camp counselor. ive attempted gymnastics, and played the clarinet; and after years of piano lessons, i still sit at the keys and belt my heart out when such comfort is needed.

ive seen the musicals wicked, rent, and jerseyboys in very beautiful cities, and have scoured country roads for abandoned houses. i have been mesmerized by many a baseball game in st louis, denver, and cincinnati...and have worn myself down with the excitement of rollercoasters and waterslides at holiday world.

i have tried zumba classes, step classes, pilates, and hip-hop classes....learning to let go and enjoy life, even if people are watching. i have written poems & lyrics & stories; i have invested myself in beautiful parents, siblings, friends...i have tried love & settled on saving it for another time. i have cried over the loss of people dearly loved, while simultaneously celebrating their reunion with christ.

i am about the graduate with my bachelor's degree and am continuing my education to earn my master's. ive put my heart into photography, and tried a hand at painting and multi-media art.

i look at my life, and though there is SO much i want to accomplish....so many new things to learn, study, see, understand, attempt, create......i have lived so fully, thus far.

so heres to living; appreciating your own life experiences; having passion to pursue new things; having courage to tread uncharted territory; and loving so fiercely in all circumstances that christ emanates from all you do.

vintage floral

2010-01-20T00:04:00.000-06:00

i made new art today and this is one that i am SO excited about!!
i even made one for myself and hung it in my room :)

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=38902292

the one i hung in my room is a bit special; the buttons that i used on it are ones that i bought at an antique store the summer i lived in colorado. i found them today in a small ziplock bag that i deemed a keepsakes bag. it was full on wonderful, beautiful memories: photographs, buttons, fake tattoos of doves and rainbows, postcards from a boy who made me giddy. i looked upon all of it fondly, and knew that in using those buttons i just couldnt sell that piece. so instead, i made a replica :)

anyway, im just excited about the project in general....excited about the awesome fabric...excited that it stapled well onto the canvas....excited that its TOTALLY different from anything ive ever done. just excited.

oh hey, THERES my creative side...

2010-01-19T00:15:00.000-06:00

sometimes life just gets to busy and full of 'to-dos'.
but this weekend i made time for art again, hooray!
i printed off some of my photos (the first time ive actually printed off photos...besides ones i just wanted for my own photo albums....pretty dang cool experience!)
annnnnd then i put some quotes on them, framed them, AND POSTED THEM ON AN ETSY SITE!!! im so excited about this....now im officially checking off TWO items from my 2010 'things i wanna do' list.

anyway, heres the site: http://jgehret.etsy.com

and, i just now got a custom order :)
im telling you, photography and art mixed with good books, coffee, and friends....and of course lots of travel....leads to a VERY content life.

another very exciting thought: a trip to portland, oregon may be on the horizon for this girl. and with that trip comes the excitement of staying in a youth hostel. this may seem insignificant to some, but it is actually on my 'things to do before i die' list. (im starting to realize while typing this post how many lists i actually have....)

so if anyone happens to come across 2 cheap tickets from st louis to portland, holla :)

some moments are just better than others...

2010-01-14T20:22:00.000-06:00

i started off today with a good cry.
not good as in, "wow i really needed that and i finally got all this emotion out of my system".
good as in, i was pretty upset.
i just dont do well when people talk in a demeaning way toward me; and i really have a hard time when people are upset about something, but project those feelings onto other people (today i happened to be the other person). we were not designed to be self-centered, and when that trait starts to creep in, feelings get hurt.
but i held back the tears, and just let them all spill over when i called my mom; she was super encouraging and wonderful...and just called about an hour ago to see if i was doing better, which i definitely am.

the day did keep going though, and had a really fun turn around. at about 3:15, i was in the main building on campus with a friend. there were a lot of people around, and my friend and i started to walk toward the quad to head to our next class. all of a sudden i hear someone loudly scream, "JORDYN!!" i look up, and my good friend jen's boyfriend was walking into the building, gave me a HUGE high-five, then kept walking. not even 30 seconds later i hear, "JORDYN!!" somewhere within the mass of people. i look up to see another friend, who also walked up to me, gave me a HUGE high-five, and kept walking.

my friend chandler turned to me and goes, "wow...you just got two really intense high-fives. that was like a movie." that was probably the most popular ive ever felt in my life, haha.

now, off to watch '500 days of summer' with my roommates. oh, how i dream to look and sing like zooey deschanel.....

2010-01-14T08:21:00.001-06:00

bought these glasses off ebay; wore them yesterday. im a fan.

hooray for trying new things within the style realm!!

FLASH!!!

2010-01-12T23:12:00.000-06:00

one official checkmark for 2010....

i bought a canon 580ex speedlite flash!!!!!

aka: a sweet flash that can flip up toward the ceiling or swivel, so the light bounces off other things besides the subject...and gives a softer edge to the pictures; no longer will photos look harsh or amateur-ish when taken indoors.

eeeeek :) :)

i literally screamed in the middle of campus at the top of my lungs.

granted, it was 10 pm and only about 3 people around.

but i did it, nonetheless.

engage.

2010-01-11T13:43:00.000-06:00

the journey is doing a sermon series on engaging with god and with others.
and last night was SO good.
we read romans 12:3-21, which is addressed to the church.
so in this section, when it is talking about loving...it addressing loving the church, because if we cannot love those who make up the church, then how could we ever expect to love the world?
romans 12:9--"let love be geuine. abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good."

so often we go REALLY conservative and tie the sin to the person...and hate both the sin AND the person. or we go REALLY liberal and excuse the sin because of loving the person. but this verse clearly calls us to something completely different---loving the person, and hating the sin thats destroying them. its hard, but it ties into another point in a journey sermon about having a combination of truth and love; most people are all truth and little love...or all love and little truth. as representatives in christ, we need to find the balance of the two.

romans 12:13--"contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality."

when it says "the needs of the saints", the passage is referring to the needs of the church. as darrin said on sunday, "the church is supposed to take care of the church." if someone needs a place to stay, offer your home. if someone needs a meal, cook for them. if someone needs financial help, reach into your pocket. this is a call to selflessness. its not just something to talk about...it is action that we are commanded to take.

and yet, none of this can be done on our own accord. we can only accomplish such love & selflessness through the grace and mercy of christ.

1 john 4:19--"we love because He first loved us."

we can only learn to love in such a way when we ourselves realize that though we were god's enemy...though we mocked him....though we are covered in depravity....he chose us. he became flesh and provided the new (and ultimate) exodus.

2 corinthians 8:9--"for you know the grace of our lord jesus christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich."

2010.

2010-01-08T10:50:00.000-06:00

upon first thinking of 2010, i saw little to be excited for.
quite pessimistic, i know.
i graduate, but then two weeks later start working toward my masters.
school, school, school.
seems a bit daunting at times.

but today, ive been thinking.
and this year is gonna be great.
im gonna do and accomplish and love.

so for 2010....

--i will get a flash & diffuser for my camera. this will enhance photos by a gazillion.
--i will TRY to get a telephoto lens...if money allows :)
--i will travel some place i have never been (portland, NYC, or palm springs are the most likely options)
--i will increase my knowledge of photoshop (this means hours spent in borders, and im totally okay with that!)
--i will be a more avid blogger (well on my way...TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY!)
--i will put items on etsy to be sold...art and photographs, horray!

2010....youre going to be fantastic.

criminal minds

2010-01-08T09:38:00.000-06:00

as long as i can remember, ive been intrigued by crime shows. as a child i would sit in front of a tv several days during the summer, entranced by unsolved mysteries; this past year, the show 'snapped' on oxygen got my attention....females who murder their husbands...what?! i need to know about this!!

maybe its so interesting to me because its a puzzle that has to be solved.

and, on top of that, ive always been one for learning....and crime, how it is accomplished, motives behind it, etc....thats all new to me. it isnt how my mind works so i enjoy hearing what other people decide and how they come to those decisions.

but now.....now ive found the best of them all....CRIMINAL MINDS!!

oh my word, its fabulous. its the behavioral analysis unit of the fbi, so its not just about solving a crime...or one murder. they do psychological profiles of serial killers....figuring out patterns, why the person is killing, what may have triggered the spree, the type of victim they typically go after....

i think this is what drew me in. its not just about collecting evidence and putting together the pieces; its about the mindset and the way the killer's thoughts work. i....love....it.

and, of course, it doesnt hurt that theres a wonderfully beautiful (and super intelligent) boy on the show; introducing....dr spencer reid!!

annnnd thats my rant for today.

st louis intertwined with my heart

2010-01-06T00:33:00.000-06:00

the longer im here, the more i realize that my heart has come deeply intertwined with this city...and it is not a mess that can be undone. i am forever tied to st louis...if not by proximity, then by memories.

i have created new moments in the city...
::a beautiful day at the loop with becca::
::searching for love, when deep down i knew he would not show; and all along having my roommate there for the support i needed::
::hearing the man who would become our president speak of change::
::meeting mr. william fitzsimmons and realizing that i adore him with good reason::
::eating the best gosh darn pizza ive ever had while laughing with my two favorite men...my brother & father::
::celebrating an upcoming marriage with high school friendships that keep alive, regardless of distance::
::late nights with intriguing people at the dirtest, sketchiest, best diner in st louis (courtesy diner, holla!)::

but at the same time, i have brought in other areas of my life to experience the place that so stealthily stole my heart...

elizabeth, who worked at springhill with me the summer of 2008, was meant to be in my life; that summer was hard, trying, painful, exhilerating...it made me grow in ways i could never have grown on my own; and that summer brought about our friendship...and i never expected to leave seymour, indiana loving someone so much. she came here and stayed with me one weekend....and to bring someone i love so dearly to the city i love so much...it was epic to say the least; sometimes my life feels compartmentalized into different segments...different places & people...

--colorado--
--camp--
--home--
--school--

so to mix the segments....just...feels...good.

in the same way, megan, my closest companion from my summer in colorado (2007), came to st louis. so much had happened since we had spent those two months exploring the mountains, listening to live folk music, taking photographs, and sharing lives....she moved from california to south carolina, got married, and was (still is) pregnant. so much had changed, but while sitting at coffee cartel in central west end of st louis with her, her husband, and that super cute belly of hers....i had so much joy.

these thoughts are necessarily anything of importance....but as i was driving out of the city tonight, looking at the neon city that has helped me attain the beautiful life that i am fortunate to call mine, i just felt thankful. alive. on fire.

thus, st louis is intertwined in my heart...held in place by the joy of knowing one another in all aspects, good and bad, and loving more deeply than ever.

j-yn photography

2009-08-10T23:44:00.000-05:00

so i think im going to start using this blog to show my photography. i guess i'll just start with recent photos and keep progressing!

individual shots first? okay!

heres....CHANDLER!

insane.

2009-01-07T23:26:00.000-06:00

can i just say that i finally feel like my mind is in the right place?
maybe im finally finding sanity in my insanity.
because tonight i have certainly felt insane.
scattered, in the least.
my mind is no longer on finding love
or the state of being unloved
forget loneliness or pasts that have been blurred even from the finest photos.
my mind is on bigger things, truer tragedies
poverty.
danger.
orphaned and crying.
the hopeless.
im intent on praying.
im intent on seeking out beyond myself.
im SO INTENT on being still and waiting.
im going crazy on the inside with fear and obstacles and indecision.
but i know to pray; i know to seek truth in word;
i know to wait;
be anxious about nothing, but pray about everything.
he speaks that straight, but rarely do i follow.
so in my crazed thoughts of what im supposed to be doing...
in my curiosity, in my hearts passion
in my mixed emotions of passion and fear to serve the unloved, the forgotten
in all these moving things, i will still myself.
i will wait and i will listen
for he hears the cries of the righteous.

2008-12-09T09:54:00.000-06:00

wonderful news, friends!!!
ingrid michaelson will be on jay leno tonight!
singing a new song with sara bareilles.
its a beautiful song, and i actually love the video too.
very cute [jillian, you would like it, i think!]
so if you want to see the video....
http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?artist=2416449&vid=324143
there ya go!!

other than that, i wanna admit something.
i read the whole twilight series.
can i admit something else?
i liked it.
and im okay with that.
because books are written to be read and enjoyed.
and finally there was some modern fiction that caught my attention.

lastly....

IM READY TO START GIVING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!!!

brighter.

2008-12-03T21:58:00.000-06:00

theres more to who i am than you would ever give me credit for.

but sometimes i forget to believe that.

the narrow fissures come into focus

and i realize that i am no more than i claim to be.

but no; youve convinced me; i know youre wrong.

i can feel the deep crevices ive been digging for 20 years.

theyre not as shallow as your unrelenting eyes seem to think.

theyre worn...yes.

theyre chaotic...yes.

theyre slashed, sewn, and mended...yes.

theyre not new or intricate.

but i refuse to let you tell me they count for any less.

so as the sun finds the sky again, i will slip into my old jeans

and continue to dig.

treasures and adventures will be uncovered

as i look to the son

knowing i was meant to shine brighter than you ever thought i could.

2008-12-02T22:23:00.001-06:00

half-heartedly standing, watching everyone else fall
i hurriedly whisper that i dont care at all
tomorrow night will find me on a crowded steam train
because i know my tears would have given me away

2008-11-14T11:54:00.000-06:00

i think im the type of person that finds something great then, even after its time is past, i cannot let it go. somewhere between my heart and my head, the wires get crossed, the messages confused, and thus each feeling gets stuck within my body, no way of being released.

sometimes its conscious. i keep writing; i keep thinking; i keep looking at pictures and rereading cards; in doing so i know im forcing the feelings through my veins and closing every route of escape. i know it, but dont try to stop me; ive tried.

yet when the stars reach their brightest points and everything rests still upon the night air, my unconscious reigns and again i feel the pulse of it all. in my dreams you still want me and look at me like you used to; im different and you tell me so with your eyes. but when i wake, the touch of your hand has been replaced by a slight breeze against my skin and the cover's embrace. if only dreams would give themselves over to those who desired their truths deeply enough; i would tell you you were handsome and you would tell me i was enough.

no one.

2008-11-11T00:48:00.000-06:00

today i put on a scent i hadnt known since
you and i were lost in thoughts of one another.
now i sit here waiting for something to happen..
waiting for nights of a past november to take over
the present one that is silent out of reverence for us.
we swore no one could get in the way of us,
but time wore thin and we got in the way of ourselves.
ourselves...we acted as one because my dependence took allegiance to you.
i always leaned on you but you never held me just right.
a heartsick embrace was all our minds could come up with.
i guess i never was too smart when it came to you.
reason wasnt true, but your words were
even when they werent.
you had a hold on me like that
knowing i could never let you go
but now our hands are occupied with other things
yours with her
mine with goodbyes

2008-11-08T22:16:00.000-06:00

7 random things you may not know about me [tagged by mrs. pye]

1) 2 years ago i was on the price is right. i wasnt technically called down, but i still was sooo close to bob barker!!! hes actually very funny during commercial breaks =]

2) most mornings i dont brush my hair; i love it; my mom hates it =]

3) my freshman year of highschool i was on a mission trip in jamaica [living at an orphanage] and a man broke into our room with a machete and stole ONLY my things. luckily i wasnt in the room at the time, but 2 of my 3 roomates walked in while he was in there. sort of an introduction to the real world outside of mt carmel, illinois.

4) when i was 4 i fell off a swingset [trying to show up this other girl my mom babysat...of course my pride would be involved, sheesh...] anyway, i landed on my right arm...from the elbow up stayed in place....from the elbow down twisted all the way in a circle until it snapped at the elbow.

5) i keep a journal to my future husband

6) if it were at all possible, i would want to be best friends with pauly shore

7) i have a list of things i want to do in my life, including--get my tattoo--stay in a hostel somehwere overseas--live in an apartment above a coffee shop/bakery/restaurant/something cool--adopt--get dreadlocks

2008-10-29T11:02:00.000-05:00

a few statements for the blogger world:

1) i absolutely love Michaels.....and the idea of making all my christmas gifts. ive already done 2....and its so much fun; and a lot more personal. i really think gifts that you put thought into....gifts that you personalize for someone you love mean so much more.

2) our coed intramural volleyball team (called orange crush) won the championship last night!!!! it sounds lame, but it was really a big deal. we've had a team for 4 semesters now, and have lost in the game before championships the past 2 semesters. we worked really hard and were super stoked =] pictures will come soon!

3) im going home this weekend to spend time with my family (of course) and my dear, dear friend mallory who i havent seen in ages. we were best friends through highschool and went to college together for a year, i believe, but then she moved to nashville. tennessee stole that piece of my heart, but illinois is gaining it back, if only for a weekend. on halloween i think we are just going to put on our highschool prom dresses and walk around town.....and i think we're gonna give out candy to trick-or-treaters in them. how fun, right??

4) there are a two cds that have taken me over and i highly recommend you check them out: "the sparrow and the crow" by william fitzsimmons and "simple times" by joshua radin. they are worth the money, i swear it. the story behind william fitzsimmons album is especially real, sincere, beautiful. if i were you, i would take the time to read the booklet of lyrics and dedications.

c'est tout.

connection.

2008-10-22T11:27:00.001-05:00

ever since i read it during my mission trip in jamaica, i have loved deuteronomy 23:5.

"but the lord your god would not listen to balaam, but instead turned your curse into a blessing for you because the lord your god loves you."

THEN....last night i was reading in numbers and read about WHO BALAAM ACTUALLY IS!!! i never knew, and now that verse is even cooler to me....

see, balaam was into divination. he either blessed or cursed people, and his blessings or curses held weight.....they came true. so, balak wanted a curse put on the israelites. they had defeated several people and taken over lands, and he was afraid his land was next. so he called upon balaam and balaam came. (cool side story: on his journey there, god had an angel block the way, so his donkey veered....balaam got angry and whipped the donkey....then the donkey spoke to him and god opened his eyes to see the angel.....wow.) anyway, 3 times balaam blessed the israelites instead of cursing them because he spoke words that god directly put into his mouth. even though the israelites complained ALL the time and disowned god and moses repeatedly, god refused to let his people be cursed, even though that was the intent.

so deuteronomy 23:5 is talking about this well-known man, who intended to curse the israelites, but couldnt because god wouldnt let him. in fact, not only would god not let him, but he made him bless his people.

trust god to turn your curses into blessings for you....because he really does love you.

2008-10-21T23:11:00.000-05:00

one time i pretended to hit ryan burkett's head with a baseball bat at church camp. we really were a non-violent group, promise. this just reminds me of how great my summers there were....nostalgic, if you will.

2008-10-20T20:12:00.000-05:00

godstock. senior year. crying for the return of old times.

2008-10-20T00:13:00.000-05:00

when i lived in colorado for the summer, my aunt and i came home one day to find this. her kids had hung their batman-dressed cat from the stairwell by a jumprope. oh my gosh, such a funny thing to see as soon as you enter a house.

2008-10-19T00:40:00.000-05:00

i used to play highschool softball. and my best friend moved an hour away in 7th grade. on this fateful saturday, she came to mt carmel to watch my team play against her new highschool's team....and we were reunited =]

2008-10-17T12:56:00.000-05:00

mmmm. oil belt camp. where some of my best highschool memories were formed. i THINK this was the summer between my junior and senior year of highschool. i remember i didnt even really know that little girl...i just thought she was super cute and she let me hold her, haha. then vanessa, crazy andrew graham nash, and tyler trinkle. mmm im telling you. those were crazy times with crazy friends....full of huge tarp slip-n-slides, loads of soda and candy, dear friend visitors, hundreds of pictures, and so much love.

yay photos!

2008-10-16T23:41:00.000-05:00

so im gonna try something....

see, i love pictures. so much. and i love looking back at them and remembering that moment, in that setting, with those people. i like the whole re-living aspect of it. so im gonna TRY to post an old picture everyday with a short bit on whats going on during that photo. they wont be in any chronalogical order....just whatever one i feel like posting =]

in conclusion, this is mainly for my own enjoyment, haha....considering the only people that i think read this are jillian, danielle, and brittany. im pumped nonetheless. here goes:

i have no idea how old i was in this picture, but its probably the sweetest outfit ive ever been captured in. if you couldnt tell, i was a ninja....with half a num-chuck (i have no idea how to spell that) and a dead baby, i guess....at least thats how its lookin. watch out....i might still have these tendencies.....

the sparrow's song

2008-10-16T15:30:00.000-05:00

"oh take it all away;
i dont feel it anymore."

sometimes i wonder if those were the words playing to music in his head.

ethiopia resonating through my soul.

2008-10-15T17:21:00.000-05:00

im just telling you now, my little niece sets my heart on fire. seeing how much she has grown, physically, emotionally, etc. over the past 2 months is so incredible....her eyes smile now. and her actually smile is there allllll the time. she knows her name now, too...and she just giggles and giggles and giggles. a piece of africa has stolen my heart, and it will never be the same.

10.13.08.

2008-10-14T10:20:00.000-05:00

is it possible that things can seem so far past?
maybe they are and i just forgot to take note of it.
a year seems like nothing,
but it changed everything & my eyes glossed over that fact.
i miss you but for a moment i felt as if none of it were ever real.
time has a way of doing that...turning facts into fiction.
thats what we are; fiction.
a story to be looked upon, but not taken for truth...
because now you are someone elses truth,
& it can only exist steadfast in a single heart.
but i know you;
i know youre devoted ways and your faithful tendancies.
your truth will not dim just because it is no longer mine;
no--it will shine that much brighter because your eyes match up
& your smiles reflect the joy you now contain.
youve allowed your heart to love
and my heart loves that.